So, you think your ex is milking you dry, huh? Or that the child support money is being used to buy new Louis Vuitton handbags (I don’t know, is that a thing?). You really want to stick it to that bitch, don’t you? Or better yet, he’s got a good job and won’t pay for the kids’ fucking braces. What a dick! Whatever, I don’t judge, but I’ll walk you through the forms and give you less than savory advice. Oh, and this is for California, USA. If you live in Myposor on an island in the Caspian Sea, you best see the town elder about kicking a couple sheep his way. Let’s get started.
How to calculate support ahead of time.
The great innovation about child support (or spousal support for that matter) is that nowadays it is determined based on a formula. The judge can still override the formula, but that happens very rarely (I’ve never seen it) and only if there is a compelling reason to. So you can realistically calculate it to within 20-30%. Why the variance? Because, for one, the formula is pretty complex and has many variables which most online calculators don’t really take into account. Plus, you don’t know what documents your ex is going to present to the court. Let me save you the time and google the child support calculators for you.
When to ask.
You are angry – I get it, but emotion is no reason to act foolishly. If all the court orders are being adhered to and nothing changed in your situation, then you are going to waste everyone’s time and might be asked to pay for your ex’s legal expenses. On the other hand, if you have the kids more now, or the ex is not sharing some windfall that you are entitled to, then by all means – the support formula is there to ensure fairness.
To the forms.
- FL-300 - this is a standard form for pretty much every court filing and the easiest. What do you want to file? Mark Modification, Child Support and/or Spousal Support checkboxes. If you are asking for something else, also mark Other, then write See FL-310, point #9 (will be talking about it next).
- FL-310 – this form wants the specifics of your request. You should fill out the Child Support (point 3) and/or Spousal Support (point 4) sections. Under the entry that asks how much the monthly child support should be…don’t be a douche and enter guideline. This tells the judge that you are not a dick and want the money split to be determined fairly, by the aforementioned formula. If you want something else (remember the Other checkbox from FL-310), outline it in point 9. Point 10 (Facts in Support) is most likely the most important one. Describe in mind numbing detail how you were so wronged by that pile of shit ex, ‘cause bitch so wrong…nevermind, just tell the judge what facts should be considered in changing your support. If the form doesn’t provide enough space (because let’s face it – you suffered, baby), write your piece in the attached declaration – which is a ten dollar word for a paper with words: I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the state of California that the above is true and correct at the bottom. Sign and date the declaration.
- FL-150 – financial declaration. This form tells the judge how much you make/spend and the financial situation you think your ex is in. Make sure that the force is strong with you on this one because the temptation to lie on FL-150 could be overwhelming. Sure, why not? The asshole is living large and here you are, still walking around with an iPhone 3Gs. How the fuck is that fair? Take a deep breath. There… I say, do not lie. Why? Let’s put aside that whole “perjury” thing or, you know…, “morals”. Nothing sinks your petition faster then when you get caught lying red-handed by the judge. You see, the judges deal with liars like you all day and can smell bullshit a mile away. You are not going to outsmart the judge. Quite frankly, you are not that smart – why else would you ever need to come to this page. Plus, your ex will be more than happy to keep you honest and point out to the judge what a lying sack of shit you are. The other minor piece of advice is that when annotating your average monthly expenses, mark the `Estimated expenses’ checkbox. At least, if you made an “inadvertent” mistake you won’t be on the hook for it.
- L-1120 – if you are suing the crap out of each other elsewhere, you have to let the court know that. That is what this form is for.
Outro
And that is all. Make 3 copies of these forms, take them to the court house and submit them. They’ll stamp one of these forms with a hearing date. Pop that copy into an envelop, also add a blank copy of FL-150 and have someone else serve it to your ex. By someone else, I mean not you and not your relatives – it has to be a 3rd party.